


how to fool others into thinking you're a perfectly functional family (spoiler: no one's falling for it)

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Family Feels, Fluff, Humor, M/M, each chapter is like an episode of a sitcom, everyone's a mess, just a bunch of dumb shenanigans really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21864481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “I love all my children equally,” Taeyong huffs defensively. Then, because he’s always emphasized the importance of honesty, begrudgingly adds, “Except Mark is my favorite because he’s my firstborn.”Jisung gapes, flabbergasted. “But he’s adopted!”Jaehyun massages his temples. “So are you, Ji,” he reminds with a polite cough.“Oh,” Jisung pauses to think that one over, not seeming particularly bothered despite the rather bizarre circumstances. “Right.”(In which Taeyong and Jaehyun are two suburban dads trying to raise their hopeless teenage sons right, Mark is a nerd crushing on a jock, Jeno is the sweetest boy ever, and Jisung is just a human disaster. Throw in some wacky family friends and it's a true recipe for disaster)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 24
Kudos: 317





	how to fool others into thinking you're a perfectly functional family (spoiler: no one's falling for it)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back to add more crack into the fandom :')
> 
> This piece is dedicated to my friend whoviee, without whom this AU wouldn't have existed in the first place. After coming up with a few different story ideas, this is the first (and possibly only lol) fic that's actually been brought to life outside of our Twitter DMs, and I'm super excited to write future chapters!
> 
> Quick notes before we begin:  
> \- Since I'm American, the setting is going to feel very American and I've decided to go with the four year high school system.  
> \- Jisung is aged up a bit so he's only one year younger than Jeno rather than two  
> \- a lot of NCT members and other SM artists are gonna make cameos here and there, but I've only tagged the main recurring characters  
> \- I'm planning on writing this fic using a more episodic narrative that jumps around a lot, so there's not really a concrete timeline  
> \- I don't know how many chapters this will end up being, as this fic is something I can update whenever due to its more lighthearted nature. My main project these days is actually another angst piece, but I've been having some trouble writing it so I turned to this instead for a quick break. Updates will be sporadic but hopefully not too far apart.

In his most humble opinion, Taeyong considers himself to be a good dad. Fuck it, he’s an _awesome_ dad, a _great_ dad even—he keeps his kids on a leash to make sure they grow into civilized human beings, but a loose enough one that they all have the freedom to grow and express their individualities, blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda all that good stuff. Furthermore, thanks to the joys of a double income household, Taeyong’s been able to provide his sons with high quality food and a nice big house with a white picket fence and all the latest gadgets (it’s Jaehyun’s job to spoil the kids rotten, but Taeyong always makes sure the three rascals don’t turn into ungrateful brats).

To put it simply, Taeyong _knows_ he deserves father of the year. Maybe Jaehyun shares that title with him, but Taeyong would like to think he’s at least one notch above his husband. While Jaehyun may be the Fun Dad goofing off in all the sitcoms, Taeyong takes his job of Great Dad very seriously. And in order to be a Great Dad, one must give his children sufficient space, but also create a very specific list of not-to-be-fucked-with rules. Not too many rules of course, because that’s stifling, but just enough to properly guide his children on the right path.

Taeyong has exactly four rules for his sons:

Rule #1: No drugs. Absolutely none. A bit of underage drinking here and there is fine as long as it’s in moderation, but drugs are big no-no.

Rule #2: If the door to the master bedroom is closed, there is to be no knocking unless someone is burning bleeding, vomiting, or straight up dying. Taeyong takes his, ahem, _alone time_ with Jaehyun _very_ seriously.

Rule #3: Should they have a desire to own something big and/or expensive, those requests must go through Taeyong first because Jaehyun is both an enabler and incredibly whipped (read: weak) for their sons. Jaehyun would hand over his gold card without a second’s hesitation, which is how they ended up with a drone that got stuck in a tree the next day. Taeyong is stricter in the sense that _no Jisung, I am not buying you a jetpack_ but still fairly lenient enough to say _okay Jeno, I’ll get you a third monitor so you can have more gaming screens._

Rule #4 _:_ Dinner on Wednesdays are at six o’clock sharp and absolutely mandatory. No exceptions.

They usually have dinner as a family anyway, but sometimes Jeno runs off to Jaemin’s or Mark gets caught up in study sessions with his fellow dorks or Jisung’s got late practice for one of the three sports he plays or Jaehyun’s drowning in work, so it’s not always easy to get the five of them together. Taeyong’s schedule as a pharmacist is fairly busy too, but because Wednesdays are his days off and Jaehyun gets out early on those days, Taeyong declared Wednesday night dinners an official family event. Should one of the boys really need to skip out on dinner they’re technically allowed to, but at the cost of Taeyong’s evil eye for a solid week. Thus, it’s safe to say that Rule #4 is always obeyed no matter what.

It’s not like the kids protest to it, anyway. If there’s one thing Taeyong truly prides himself on, it’s his family. Mark, Jeno, and Jisung are all different, but they get along just about as well as most brothers with their age gap do. They fight sometimes, sure, but none of them are confrontational or aggressive enough for things to escalate to physical blows, and the vast majority of their fights are small and easily forgiven after a few minutes. The three of them are all good, well-behaved, well-mannered, and diligent kids too—although Taeyong _is_ convinced Jisung is simultaneously the world’s greatest genius and biggest idiot wrapped into one lanky fourteen year old—and they truly are the joys of Taeyong and Jaehyun’s life.

Long story short, Taeyong is very much happy with his life. His husband’s a hot CEO straight from a K-drama, his kids are adorable and simply the best, his job pays well, and he’s got a lot of great friends and coworkers. It may sound too good to be true, but everything is honestly pretty damn near perfect. What more could Taeyong ever want?

(The answer: Admittedly things would go from _near perfect_ to _perfect_ if his family were a bit, how to say, _less wacky_ , but he supposes beggars can’t be choosers.)

As with most Wednesday night dinners, Taeyong finishes setting the table at 5:59, which leaves him just enough time to neatly remove his apron and hang it on its hook, dry his hands, and pour two glasses of wine before shouting, “Dinner’s ready!” at the top of lungs at precisely six sharp.

The first to arrive is always Jaehyun, whose footsteps are heavy and loud because _I have a reputation to uphold as a domineering CEO, Yong_ to which Taeyong frowns because _you’re younger than me, Hyunnie—and domineering? Ha, don’t make me laugh._ Automatically, Taeyong hands him one of the wineglasses and smiles when Jaehyun wraps an arm around his waist, greeting him with a lazy kiss. Taeyong hums, stealing another kiss just as the thundering of footsteps down the stairs ruins the peaceful moment.

Jisung barrels in first because despite being the youngest, he’s also the most athletic and fastest by far. Unfortunately, because he’s still an awkward and uncoordinated fourteen year old who just started going through puberty recently, Jisung’s speed is both a curse and a blessing as he runs straight into the wall and his feet slide out from under him, leaving him a sprawling mess on the dining room floor.

“How many times have I told you to stop running around the house when you have no control over your own body,” Taeyong tsks, lightly stepping over Jisung’s prone figure and making his way over to his seat at the head of the table without batting an eye at his human disaster of a son.

Unfazed, Jisung hops back up like a cartoon character and eagerly scrambles to his seat by Taeyong’s side. “This is just training, Papa—how else am I supposed to learn to control myself unless I keep pushing my limits?” He explains excitedly, somehow managing to miss his chair entirely and fall onto the carpet.

Jaehyun sinks into the seat opposite Taeyong at the other end of the table. “How about by containing your energy instead of expelling all of it?” He suggests with a smirk.

Jisung sticks out his tongue. “No can do, Dad. If I do that I’ll end up like you!”

 _Here we go again,_ Taeyong thinks as he nurses his glass of wine. Despite making bank as a CEO and being well into his thirties, Jaehyun still manages to get riled up from the smallest of taunts from his adolescent son.

Fiery indignation flickers through Jaehyun’s eyes as he points his fork prongs-first at Jisung. “What, you mean incredibly successful, handsome, charming, and married to the most beautiful man alive? I’d like to see you try, Park Jisung!”

“ _Most beautiful man alive”, huh?_ Not the most creative compliment Taeyong’s ever received and he’s already heard it too many times to count from the creepy men catcalling him on the street, but since Jaehyun’s the one saying it, Taeyong supposes he’ll let it pass. Subtly, he hides his pink face and bashful smile behind his wine, humming to himself as Jisung and Jaehyun go at it.

Taeyong perks up when he hears a pair of nimble footsteps meandering down the hall. Mark pokes his head into the room, glasses reflecting the ceiling lights in the most endearing way. Taeyong waves him in and smooths down the back of Mark’s rumpled sweater vest as his eldest son shuffles into his designated seat between Jisung and Jaehyun.

“Where’s Jeno?” Taeyong asks, now completely immune to Jaehyun and Jisung’s competitive squabbling.

Mark shrugs as he delicately unfolds his napkin and places it over his lap. “I think he’s sulking because Jaemin had to go home,” he reports.

Jisung stops showboating when he hears that, eyes widened in surprise. “Jaemin-hyung isn’t staying for dinner?” He gasps, clutching his chest as if all the wind’s been knocked out of him (along with his athletic prowess, Jisung is also a fairly decent actor but that’s ruined by his flair for the melodramatic). “What, is the world about to end? Did the zombies finally rise? Is it World War Z already? What’s next, the five of us taking a train ride to a safe zone only for you to all sacrifice yourselves one by one so I can be the sole survivor and save the world from the epidemic?”

Taeyong quirks an unimpressed brow. “That’s just plain unrealistic, Jisung. And who let you watch _Train to Busan?_ ”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun snorts. “If anything, we’d sacrifice you first so the rest of us have a better chance at survival. And _I’d_ be the sole survivor, thank you very much.”

“Not to mention that zombies aren’t and never will be real,” Mark mutters under his breath.

Before Jisung can launch into an inevitable tirade about the science behind undead viruses and whatnot, a fourth and final pair of footsteps trudges down the stairs. A rather mopey looking Jeno wanders in with his signature puppy-eyed pout, mumbling a quiet greeting as he takes his seat next to Jaehyun and opposite from Mark.

Sympathetically, Jaehyun reaches out to ruffle Jeno’s hair. “Don’t worry, Jen, Jaemin will definitely stay for dinner tomorrow. He just has to go back to his own family sometimes, you know.”

“Yeah,” Jeno mumbles, pout intensifying. With all the angst a fifteen year old can muster, he dejectedly pokes at his rice and whines, “But I was just about to confess to him _again_! And it was totally gonna work—”

“Forty-second’s time the charm,” Jisung coughs, to which Taeyong gives him a smack across the back of his head but also has to bite down on his lip to keep himself from laughing.

“—but then his phone went off and it was Liu Yangyang of all people! _Yangyang_! And the next thing I knew Nana was already climbing out the window and crossing the bridge back to his room before I could confess!” Jeno finishes with a vengeance, sniffling as tears prick the corners of his eyes.

 _If Jaemin is oblivious enough to not get the hint after forty-two confessions, I doubt he would’ve noticed today, either,_ Taeyong thinks wryly. But, because he is a Great Dad, he plasters a reassuring smile on his face and says, “Don’t worry about it too much, kiddo. How about I make Jaemin’s favorite tomorrow so he’ll definitely stay for dinner, and then you can give confession number forty-three a go, hmm? We’re all rooting for you!”

Like magic, Jeno’s pout vanishes as his smile takes over his entire face, eyes cutely curved into crescent moons. “Okay! You’re the best, Papa!” He cheers, practically buzzing with excitement at the prospect of seeing Jaemin again (as if he doesn’t already see Jaemin at least twelve hours a day, every day since they were two years old).

Now, with that obstacle out of the way, Taeyong claps his hands together and brightly announces, “Dig in, everyone!”

Jaehyun and the boys most certainly don’t need to be told twice.

“I can’t believe Jisung started high school today,” Taeyong sniffs as he adds carrots to the pot of soup. Pride swells in his throat as he sighs and says, “My youngest baby, all grown up now. I never thought this day would come.”

Jaehyun hums, absently swirling his scotch around while completely ignoring the utensils just waiting to be set in front of him ( _lazy jackass,_ Taeyong thinks fondly). “I’m honestly kind of surprised he made it this far; kinda thought he wouldn’t make it past middle school,” Jaehyun jokes with a mischievous smile, to which Taeyong throws a dishcloth right at his stupid(ly handsome) dimpled face.

“Don’t be so mean to him! Jisungie was the top student in his class—something _you_ never were, Mr. Jung,” Taeyong scolds, smirking down at his soup. _Gotcha._

Jaehyun’s chest puffs out in indignation. “Yeah, but was he ever a star athlete? _I don’t think so!_ ”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “Good, I’d rather have my sons be smart than all brawn and no brains like their father,” he teases.

“I was an honors student too,” Jaehyun mumbles dejectedly under his breath, pouting very much unlike a man of his status and age.

Wryly, Taeyong notes that despite the lack of blood connection, Jeno really did inherit that pout from Jaehyun. He quickly tastes the soup and, deeming it sufficiently tasty, turns off the stove and starts ladling portions into the ceramic bowls the boys made at summer camp. Mark’s bowl is the neatest of the bunch, with a perfect rounded shape and coated in nice light blue glaze. The only additional decoration he added was a cute sketch of his glasses that Taeyong always coos at. Jeno’s is slightly sloppier done, which is only to be expected because he and Jaemin both painted it. Half the bowl is a pretty dark blue, while the other is a pale pink thanks to Jaemin. And because Jaemin’s always been a bit wild, he also added random streaks of purple, red, and green and made sure to paint what he claims to be a Samoyed’s face (“Because Jeno looks like one!” He’d proudly declared). Jisung’s bowl is, to no one’s surprise, completely misshapen with odd bumps at the most random places and chipped in several locations on the brim. The art counselor mentioned something about Jisung being indecisive when it came to coloring, so he ended up slapping so many colors on that the bowl ended up a murky shade of brown. Still, that didn’t stop Taeyong from tearing up when his sons proudly presented their works of art to him, and to this day he makes sure to always serve them with their designated bowls.

“To think he was so small and tiny when he first got here,” Taeyong reminisces, wistfully running his finger along the chipped edges of Jisung’s bowl. “And yes I know he’s not an adult yet and Mark’s still only sixteen but still, _still_! Where have the years gone, huh? Are they really growing up or are we just getting old?”

“Probably both,” Jaehyun shrugs. “Or maybe you’re just going through a midlife crisis.

Taeyong throws another dishcloth in his direction. Frowns and chides, “Stop ruining the moment, Hyunnie.”

Jaehyun easily bats the dishcloth away (damn his leftover athlete reflexes) and tilts his head back as he downs the rest of his scotch (Taeyong most certainly does not find that hot, _not at fucking all_ ) and moves to finally start setting the table. “If you’re this emotional at Jisung entering high school, I wonder how you’re gonna be when Mark goes to college in a couple years,” he muses, flashing a wink at Taeyong’s horrified face.

“Shush! How dare you mention the C-word!”

“He’s been studying hard for his SATs, hasn’t he? And then we’ll have to take him college touring in the spring and possibly summer, and next fall he’s gonna be swamped with apps and then it’ll be decision day and before you know it he’ll be out the door and—”

“I will actually stab you if you go any further,” Taeyong threatens. To prove his point, he snatches his largest, sharpest knife out of the holder and waves it around dangerously. “You don’t want to mess with me, Jung Jaehyun. I could kick your ass any day of the week and you know it.”

Nonplussed, Jaehyun saunters back to the kitchen after finishing setting the table and pours himself more scotch. “Thought you were gonna stab me? Why are we talking about ass kickings now? For God’s sake Yong, keep your threats consistent.”

Taeyong fights back the smile that tugs at the corners of his lips. “Better watch your mouth, Jae. Who knows what might happen to you once you fall asleep…” He trails off mysteriously.

Jaehyun just snorts. “And now your threats are neither consistent nor do they make any sense. Maybe you are growing senile, honey.”

Quickly, Taeyong’s face morphs into a scowl. “Says the one who still gets into petty fights with a fourteen year old,” he grumbles, stabbing the knife back into the holder with more force than necessary.

“It’s like I never aged!” Jaehyun states proudly.

Taeyong shoots him an unimpressed look, to which Jaehyun just laughs and steps forward to pull Taeyong into a one-armed hug. “Kidding, kidding,” Jaehyun murmurs, pressing a kiss to Taeyong’s temple in apology. “It’s okay to feel emotional over our boys growing up. Hell, I can’t even believe it myself.”

“Soon they’re gonna move out and get married,” Taeyong sighs, casting a forlorn glance at the table set for six (because Jaemin would more likely than not show up, too). “I think I might go crazy once they’re all really grown up. What’s it called again—empty nest syndrome or something?”

“Mmm,” Jaehyun mumbles. He gives Taeyong’s shoulders a reassuring squeeze, promises, “But no matter what, you’ve always got me so I promise you won’t feel too lonely. We’ve got this, so stop sniffling, okay?”

“Right,” Taeyong nods—and no, he doesn’t sniffle, what the hell is Jaehyun talking about? Pfft, ridiculous.

…

Okay, so _maybe_ he is sniffling _just a little bit, thank you very much._ But Taeyong’s sure he’s got a good reason to feel all emotional—his sons are growing up, for crying out loud! Dorky Mark is going to college in two years, and sweet innocent Jeno will be gone the year after and even gangly human disaster Jisung is graduating in four years. They’re such a close knit family that Taeyong can’t even imagine the daily absence of any one of them, not to mention three. What’s life going to be like without the presence of the bickering brothers? How is Taeyong supposed to not go crazy when the house is silent except for him and Jaehyun?

 _On the bright side, though,_ a helpful little voice in the back of his head perks up. _At least you’ll have the entire house to yourself and Jaehyunnie. Imagine all the things you can get up to when there aren’t any meddling sons around to hear…_

Suddenly, the boys can’t graduate soon enough.

The telltale sound of multiple pairs of feet pattering down the hallway bring Taeyong back to reality. Hastily, he gives Jaehyun a quick peck on the lips before shoving him to the side and rushing to place the soup bowls on the table. “Stop distracting me so much,” Taeyong complains, side-eyeing Jaehyun in what he hopes to be a threatening way.

Jaehyun, that dumb idiot, is all grins as he grabs another glass and fills it with scotch, holding it out like a peace offering. “But you still love me anyway,” Jaehyun smirks, dimples out for the whole world to see.

“Wipe that annoying smile off your face,” Taeyong snaps. Then, after a moment’s pause, he accepts the scotch and mutters, “Of course I love you, Hyunnie,” before taking a sip.

_Stupid Jaehyun and his stupid face and stupid dimples and stupid charm and stupid personality and why did I fall in love with such a stupid man in the first place stupid me._

“Hey, kids!” Jaehyun greets cheerfully when Mark, Jeno, and Jaemin traipse in. “How was the first day of school?”

Jeno tugs Jaemin by the elbow into their habitual seats. “It was alright; but we have so much math homework already,” Jeno laments, eyes screwed up in displeasure at the thought of the cursed subject.

“That’s why I’ve been tutoring him all afternoon!” Jaemin supplies brightly. While not the top student of the sophomore class (that title goes to Renjun, one of Jeno and Jaemin’s close friends), Jaemin consistently gets all A’s (“Screw honors bio!” He’d whined after receiving his first and only B+ so far) and despite being a fairly impatient guy, Jaemin’s always been more than willing to help Jeno out. _Best friend perks_ , Jaemin always winks, completely and utterly oblivious to Jeno’s tomato-red face behind him.

Mark fiddles with the frames of his glasses and _wait, is he blushing?_ Taeyong narrows his eyes, but before he can point out his eldest son’s ruddy cheeks, Mark quickly says, “It was good! Mr. Qian approved my application as a tutor so I’m getting assigned to someone next week and Yerim and Mina want me to drive them to the cinema on Friday so I probably won’t be back until late oh and I signed up for an SAT prep course and—”

“Whoa there,” Jaehyun blinks. He places a hand on Mark’s shoulder, says, “Breathe, Markie. Congrats on the tutoring job. Yes of course you can go to the movies with Yerim and Mina; have fun and don’t stay out _too_ late. How much does the prep course cost? I’ll write a check after dinner so you can turn it in tomorrow.”

A cute, toothy smile blooms across Mark’s face. “Thanks so much, Dad!” He chirps happily, all the signs of his nervous rambling gone.

Taeyong makes a mental note to ask Mark about the blushing later, because there’s no way tutoring or his very platonic girl friends or SAT prep could be the source.

He’s about to tell everyone to eat when he notices the distinct lack of a sixth person in the room. Frowning, Taeyong eyes the empty seat next to Mark and asks, “Where’s Jisung? Is he napping or something?”

Immediately, Mark and Jeno’s spines go rigid as they exchange nervous glances with each other and yep, consider Taeyong fully suspicious now. Taeyong narrows his eyes and slowly repeats, “Where’s Jisung?”

“Er, you see,” Mark nervously pushes the tips of his index fingers together, his glasses slipping down his nose. “Ji may have gotten into some trouble earlier because he was running late and stole the janitor’s mop bucket to wheel himself to class and knocked over ten different people in the process…”

“ _Only_ ten?” Jaehyun remarks incredulously. Puffing out his chest with pride, he adds, “I would’ve hit twenty!”

Taeyong internally facepalms. _Thank you Jaehyun for your oh so valuable input._

“And he may have received a three hour detention,” Jeno finishes, hiding behind his bangs and clutching at Jaemin’s hand for emotional support.

Taeyong closes his eyes and resists the urge to bang his head against his pretty lattice tablecloth. Of course Jisung got detention on his first day of high school. Of course he did. What more did Taeyong expect, really? A normal start to a new chapter of his life? Please, Jisung wouldn’t know normal if it hit him like a cement truck. Once that boy gets home, Taeyong is going to have to give him a long lecture about proper school etiquette and what not to do in order to make the teachers like him; mark his words Taeyong will finally discipline his adorably lanky youngest son if it’s the last thing he does.

The sound of a choked sob from the other end of the table snatches his attention. Taeyong flashes his eyes open to see Jaehyun with his napkin clutched to his mouth and tears in his eyes.

For a moment, Taeyong fears Jaehyun is about to cry because he can’t believe how much of a troublemaker Jisung is or because he’s so frustrated with Jisung’s lack of common sense. Maybe Jaehyun’s finally realized that his reputation of a Fun Dad caused his sons to all be a bit wacky and now he’s embracing the consequences of his actions. In fact, perhaps this is the trigger that will finally propel Jaehyun from Fun Dad to a Great Dad who, while still unable to match Taeyong’s greatness, might actually be able to hold a candle to him now. Is this, Taeyong marvels, the start of something new?

And then Jaehyun heaves another sob and wails, “They just grow up so fast, don’t they? Already causing trouble and getting detention this early—I’m so _proud_!”

By this point, Taeyong really should know better than to expect anything more from his family.

Another common occurrence during Wednesday night dinners: the inescapable moment when things take a sharp turn to hell because Jisung opens his mouth.

In the midst of shoveling mashed potatoes down his throat, Jisung chooses to interrupt Jeno’s melancholic retelling of his failed forty-fifth confession and, through a mouthful of food, shouts, “Mark-hyung’s got a crush!”

The fork and knife in Mark’s hands clatter to the table. “Jisung!” Mark screeches, cheeks blooming a flustered red and horror in his eyes. Taeyong nearly coos at how cute he looks—kinda like an offended lion cub, although Taeyong’s never actually seen an offended lion and much less a cub in his life—but then it hits him like a truck.

Mark has a crush.

A _crush_.

Mark. Sweety, nerdy, bespectacled, sweater vest-wearing, second embodiment of the pouting emoji after Jeno, straight A student, future valedictorian, barely sixteen year old Mark. Has a crush.

Taeyong’s utensils follow Mark’s example. _Oh god, the world is well and truly ending now, isn’t it?_

“Oh?” Jaehyun lifts his head in curiosity, face betraying none of the same earth-shattering crises currently consuming Taeyong’s mind. Between a mouthful of rice (“Hyunnie! Manners!” Taeyong squawks indignantly) he asks, “Is it Jaemin? I always had a feeling you liked him.”

Yet another set of cutlery falls as Jeno stares at Mark in horror, nothing short of the ultimate betrayal scrawled all over his face at the thought of his older brother in love with his best friend slash unrequited love except is it actually unrequited or are they both just oblivious and dense when it comes to matter of the heart see Taeyong’s not entirely convinced but he doesn’t feel it’s hisplace to intervene but that also leaves him wanting to rip his (still damaged after years of bleaching as a young adult) hair out half the time and—

Oh wait, right. The current, more pressing problem at hand. Mark has a crush. Right. Let the apocalypse continue.

Mark hastily shakes his head and flaps his hands in front of him in an act of desperation. He shrieks, “No no no, it’s not Jaemin— _Daaaad_ , you got me and Jeno mixed up again!”

“Huh,” Jaehyun muses, perfectly unperturbed by his blunder while Taeyong feels the secondhand embarrassment seeping through him at his husband’s act of Dadness. “Right right, sorry. Jeno’s the one who’s been stuck with his unrequited crush on Jaemin since they were kids, gotcha.”

“You didn’t have to put it like that,” Jeno sadly pouts, appetite gone as he miserably pushes his food around on his plate.

Taeyong shoots Jaehyun an eagle-eyed glare, then hurriedly jumps out of his seat and rushes over to comfortingly envelop Jeno in a hug. “It’s okay, Jen—your father may be stupid, but he didn’t mean to make it sound like you have no chance!” Taeyong grins encouragingly, pounding Jeno on the back maybe a bit too hard to be convincing.

Jeno’s pout only deepens. “That doesn’t make me feel much better, but thanks anyway.”

“Excuse me?” Jisung interrupts loudly. His voice cracks because he’s still going through puberty, but he ignores his brothers’ snickers in favor of impatiently banging his spoon against the table (he never did grow up, did he?). “Has everyone just forgotten the actual tea at hand? Mark-hyung has a crush? My nerdy brother actually likes someone?”

“That’s old news,” Jeno sighs, still slightly dejected as he pushes his green beans completely off his plate because apparently he’s five and not fifteen. “Everyone knows hyung likes that guy on the basketball team. The super tall one with the bushy eyebrows.”

Mark looks positively affronted as he throws his hands up in vexation, although he looks more like a cute disgruntled kitten because of his sweater paws. “He’s not just some guy on the team, he’s the _captain_ —and wait,” Mark freezes, jaw dropping as the full weight of Jeno’s words kick in. “What do you mean everyone knows? _Everyone_?”

“At least, that’s what Yerim-noona and Mina-noona told me,” Jisung pipes up ever so helpfully, the shit-eating grin on his devious face reaching new, record-breaking shit-eating levels.

“ _They_ know?” Mark cries out in shock, the poor child looking like he’s about to have a heart attack.

Jeno solemnly nods. Jaehyun raises a brow at the green beans staining the tablecloth, so Jeno hastily scoops them back onto his plate. “I think I overheard Song Yuqi giggling about it with them, too,” he muses. “Oh, and Nana snuck into the team’s practice the other day to show Hyuck and Renjun which one you like.”

Mark buries his face in his hands, the tips of ears pink as chrysanthemums (Taeyong is very big on gardening, sue him). “Does anyone not know at this point?” He bemoans mournfully, which is only natural really because at sixteen there aren’t many things more world-ending than people knowing about your crush. Well, Taeyong supposes that getting rejected by said crush would probably be worse, but he’s not going to bring that up for Mark’s sake.

Jeno sighs and reaches across the table to clasp Mark’s wrist. “Like I said, hyung: everyone knows. _Everyone_ ,” he emphasizes, putting extra stress on that last word in order to drive the point home and well and truly shatter what’s left of Mark’s dignity.

Taeyong, meanwhile, further narrows his eyes in thought. Normally he’d tune out his sons’ outbursts, but this is an occasion that is impossible to ignore. They still haven’t revealed the name of Mark’s secret crush yet, but from the tidbits they did let slip, Taeyong knows that this boy is tall, bushy-browed, and the captain of the basketball team. Now those first two facts are fine, but the third? Absolutely not—no jocks, and especially no _basketball captains_ allowed within a ten foot radius of his precious son. Hell, make that a five foot radius because Taeyong would rather die than let Mark get tainted.

Jaehyun must recognize that stormy expression on Taeyong’s face, because he lets out a laugh and says, “Aww, c’mon Yong—don’t be like that just because he’s a jock! I was the basketball captain back then, too!”

“And exactly how many girls did you have in your bed every week?” Taeyong shoots back icily. Okay, maybe that’s a low blow—Jaehyun hadn’t even met Taeyong back then, and teenagers are prone to doing stupid things—but there’s still a point there.

Luckily, Jaehyun doesn’t seem hurt at all by the comment. He just shrugs and admits, “Touché,” then goes back to cutting his chicken like nothing happened and he totally didn’t just admit in front of his young and impressionable sons that he was a major womanizer back in high school.

Mark groans and hides his face even more, small hands twisting in his fringe. “It’s okay, it’s not like I have a chance with Yukhei anyway so it’s fine,” he mumbles barely audibly.

Now, while Taeyong is not too keen about his son crushing on a jock, he will not stand for any self-deprecating talk like that. Mark’s always been a bit on the shyer side, preferring to throw himself at his studies and spend his days with his nose buried in books. He only has a few select friends and some of them are actually Jeno’s friends who took him in, but Taeyong has never been too worried about Mark’s social life before. Mark having a crush, however, is uncharted territory, and like hell is Taeyong about to let him be torn to pieces by a silly, hopefully fleeting crush on some athlete (ideally, Taeyong envisions his son ending up with someone else who shares Mark’s appreciation for wire framed glasses and sweater vests, but he’s not going to be an overbearing parent by enforcing that).

Instead, Taeyong stands up and makes his way over to Mark’s seat. He wraps an arm around the teenager’s shoulder and gives him a much-needed hug, says, “Don’t worry, Markie. I know you may think you’re too nerdy or uncool or whatever, but you’re just fine the way you are and if any boy rejects you for that then he clearly isn’t worth it. And besides, look at me—I was a nerd in high school too, and I still ended up with a basketball captain!”

 _Although I do drink to forget Jaehyun’s former status,_ he chooses not to add out loud. Also the other incriminating facts such as how he didn’t meet Jaehyun until college, by which point Jaehyun was no longer an athlete and actually a fellow nerd studying business, not to mention how during their first kiss Taeyong was a bit too eager and chipped Jaehyun’s tooth…yeah, there are some things better left omitted.

Well, not like any of that stuff matters anyway. Mark finally lowers his hands, something akin to hope shining in his eyes. “Really? You think I stand a chance?” Mark whispers, awestruck.

 _Nope, not at all. That boy will stomp all over your heart like the true jock he is. I’m betting my life savings that he’ll get a girlfriend within the next few weeks and you’ll be done for before you even had a chance._ “Of course you do, Markie,” Taeyong promises, giving him an extra squeeze for comfort. It’s not like a little white lie ever hurt anyone, right?

Man, Taeyong truly is a Great Dad. The Greatest Dad, in fact. Jaehyun, who?

Mark perks up noticeably, cheeks now pink with happiness instead of embarrassment. “Thanks, Papa!” He cheers excitedly. “Because I’ve been assigned as his tutor and at first I was too afraid to but now I’m totally gonna make a move!”

“Attaboy!” Jaehyun hollers at the exact same moment Taeyong screeches, “ _What_?”

Jaemin brandishes his knife and fork in the air with a fiery passion, nearly taking out Jeno’s eye in the process. “And then I said, _back off dipshit_! And guess what happened next! Guess!”

“Um,” Mark blinks skeptically, the expression in his eyes somewhere along the line of _why does Jeno keep him around again?_ “He backed off?”

“He backed off!” Jaemin crows triumphantly.

Jeno claps in congratulations, enamored as ever as he stares at Jaemin with shining eyes. Mark and Jisung, however, look considerably more confused, and even Jaehyun’s face is scrunched up as he attempts to process any of what Jaemin just said in the fast five minutes. Normally Taeyong would tease him for making such an endearing face, but he’s also too perplexed by the mysterious being that is Na Jaemin.

“Wait,” Jaehyun speaks up slowly, brows furrowed in thought. “So who’s Dipshit again? The one who tried to steal your lunch money?”

“Daaaaad,” Jeno whines, huffing in exasperation like Jaehyun just committed a grave sin. “That’s Dumbass you’re thinking of; Dipshit is the one who tried to steal _my_ lunch money!”

 _Why do you sound so proud about that?_ “Then who’s Stupid Fuckface?” Taeyong checks, then immediately regrets it half a second later when Jeno and Jaemin send him patronizing looks.

“Obviously he’s the one who who tried to steal both of our lunch moneys, but ran away once Nana glared at him,” Jeno explains as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world and how could anyone ever get Dipshit and Dumbass and Stupid Fuckface mixed up in the first place, huh?

“Hang on,” Mark frowns. “Why are so many people trying to steal your lunch money? That’s literally never happened to me before, and if anything I’m the most likely target out of all of us—wow, that sounds sad.”

Jaemin just smirks. “That’s because no one wants to fight your protection squad.”

“Mark has a protection squad?” Taeyong raises a brow. Now that’s interesting, very interesting indeed. Not like he can blame them, though; Mark is just _too_ cute and lovable to resist.

“I do?” Mark echoes, confused.

“Oh, yes you do,” Jaemin nods, voice cryptic and smug gaze unreadable. Before anyone can ask any more, he suddenly slams his palms on the dining table, causing the cutlery to shake. Fieriness consumes his eyes as he exclaims, “Wait, I completely forgot about Trashy Piece of Shit Son of a Bitch! He tried challenging me to a dance battle during lunch yesterday but I _wrecked_ him and now he’s too ashamed to show his face around my turf again! Serves him fucking right!”

 _Trashy Piece of Shit Son of a Bitch?_ Jaehyun quizzically mouths to Taeyong from the other end of the table.

 _Dance battle?_ Taeyong mouths back, equally lost. 

“Er, Jaemin?” Jaehyun awkwardly clears his throat. “Not that we don’t enjoy your company but…why are you always here again? Don’t you have your own parents?”

“Yeah, but I’m their least favorite child,” Jaemin states perfect cheerfully.

 _Um…_ Taeyong’s well acquainted with Jaemin’s parents; they’re his and Jaehyun’s good friends, since it’s hard not to know each other when they’re neighbors and their sons are best friends. And the Nas have never been anything but perfectly pleasant, if not a bit sarcastic—which is most definitely where Jaemin gets his sassy streak from. Also…

“Aren’t you an only child, Jaem?” Jaehyun voices aloud the thought in Taeyong’s head.

“Yup!” Jaemin nods, perfectly at ease as he snags more asparagus. “And it’s because of me that they never wanted any more children!”

Mark mirrors his parents’ baffled faces. “Is that supposed to be a good or bad thing?” He wonders, then grimaces in instant regret at indulging Na Jaemin even further.

“Both!”

Jeno loops his arm through Jaemin’s and nuzzles the top of his head against Jaemin’s cheek like a cuddly puppy (huh, he really does look like a Samoyed, now that Taeyong thinks of it). “Don’t worry Nana—I’ll always love you!” Jeno declares, tone a mix between positively smitten and cripplingly shy.

Taeyong locks eyes with Jaehyun and winces. _Here we go again…_

For the fiftieth time in a row, the confession completely flies over Jaemin’s head as he grins and ruffles Jeno’s hair. “Aww, thanks Jen! I knew I could always count on my best bro!”

 _Best bro. Ouch. Even worse than best friend._ Taeyong stifles a sigh and pours himself more wine. Even Mark and Jisung cringe as Jeno wilts from the indirect rejection, while Jaemin remains as oblivious as ever and happily chews on his vegetables.

“You know, there’s something I’ve always wondered though,” Jisung breaks the awkward silence after gulping down half his glass of milk at once. The patch of white staining the top of his lip goes unnoticed as he proceeds to shovel more food down his throat (no wonder he’s so tall when he has the appetite of a caveman).

“What is it?” Jaehyun clears his throat, clearly glad about the change in topic.

Jisung rips off a small piece from the baguette on the table, then sets it down and picks up the larger piece and chomps down on it. “It’s just, every parent has their favorite child, right?”

Taeyong very much does not like where this conversation is going. Dammit, he’d much rather deal with Jeno’s floundering than this. “That’s not necessarily true,” he dismisses, hoping his voice sounds even enough to dispel Jisung’s curiosity.

Unfortunately, Jisung’s imagination truly knows no bounds, and he’s always been a bit too perceptive for his own good. “Aha!” Jisung exclaims, pointing a finger at Taeyong. “So you _do_ have a favorite! I knew it!”

“That’s ridiculous,” Taeyong scoffs right as Jaehyun shrugs and casually announces, “Yeah, mine is Jeno.”

Taeyong nearly drops his wine. “Hyunnie!” He yelps, shocked not by the contents of Jaehyun’s confession (come on, everyone knows that while Jaehyun is a thousand percent whipped for all of his boys, he’s got an especially soft spot for Jeno. Taeyong thinks it’s because Jaehyun has an overwhelming desire to protect his sweet yet naive second son, as Jeno’s never been as outgoing as Jisung nor as driven as Mark) but by the ease at which he admitted it.

“Whaaaaat?” Jaehyun raises his hands in defense. “He’s the only one who ever knocks before entering my office instead of just barging in; of course he gets more brownie points from me.”

Jeno pumps his fist victoriously and flashes his signature eye smile. Mark just shrugs and says, “Fair enough,” while Jisung pouts and turns to Taeyong and _oh no, Taeyong most certainly does not like where this is going_. “What about you, Papa? Who’s your favorite then?” Jisung demands.

“I love all my children equally,” Taeyong huffs defensively. Then, because he’s always emphasized the importance of honesty, begrudgingly adds, “Except Mark is my favorite because he’s my firstborn.”

Jisung gapes, flabbergasted. “But he’s adopted!”

Jaehyun massages his temples. “So are you, Ji,” he reminds with a polite cough.

“Oh,” Jisung pauses to think that one over, not seeming particularly bothered despite the rather bizarre circumstances. “Right.”

“Ha!” Jeno childishly sticks his tongue out.

Jaemin’s eyebrows shoot all the way to his hairline. “But aren’t _you_ also adopted, Jen?”

Jeno blinks. “Oh, that’s right.”

“Wait,” Jisung shoots out of his seat, banging his knees against the table in the process. Taeyong can already sense the incoming Jisung ramble, so he prepares himself by drinking more wine.

“But why does Mark-hyung have an English name? And why is my last name Park? Does that mean you don’t consider me as part of the family?” Jisung wails, bottom lip actually quivering in sadness.

“Is that why he’s no one’s favorite? Because he’s a Park?” Jeno innocently wonders, tapping his chin in thought.

Mark also raises a hand. “Didn’t you also adopt us all at the same time? How am I the firstborn then? Unless,” he gasps. “Unless I really am a biological son!”

“Oh my god, are you a product of Dad’s straight days?”

“Am I?!”

“What do you mean, my straight days? I’ll have you know that I never once put a label on myself like that!”

“I don’t hear any denial, Dad!”

“Because your accusation doesn’t make any sense! I’ve been with Taeyong for almost twenty years and Mark is only sixteen, the numbers don’t add up at all!”

“Who’s the side hoe, huh?”

“There is no side hoe and there never will be one!”

There is not, Taeyong decides, enough wine in the world that can get him through this absolutely ridiculous conversation. He _knew_ he should have adopted girls instead, but stupid Jaehyun was so set on having boys. From now on, Taeyong will never let Jaehyun make important life decisions for the family ever again. Never.

With the deepest, most exasperated sigh he can muster, Taeyong shoots his husband and sons unimpressed glares that successfully manage to shut them up.

“Mark’s name is Mark because he’s from Canada,” Taeyong speaks slowly to make sure every word is drilled into these idiots’ heads. “He’s also most certainly not biologically related to either of us, seeing as he is, I repeat, _from Canada._ It’s pure luck that Mark and Jeno were both born with the last name Lee. Jisung, we didn’t change your last name—or any of your names, actually—because we felt that it would preserve your individuality more. Also, we thought it might be hard for you to adjust if we renamed all of you, so we chose to leave your names be during the adoption process. Does that answer all of your questions?”

Mark, Jeno, and Jisung ponder his words over in silence for a couple seconds, before exchanging glances with each other and shrugging in sync. “Sounds good to me,” Mark hums.

“Yup!” Jeno agrees. “It’s not like I can imagine myself with any name other than Jeno, so I’m cool with it.”

“Yay! Individuality!” Jisung shouts joyfully.

Jaehyun shoots Taeyong a grateful smile. _Good job, babe._

 _You’re an idiot,_ Taeyong rolls his eyes, but he’s always been a sucker for those dimples so he can’t help but return the smile.

Well, even if he does sometimes wish he’d adopted girls instead, he wouldn’t trade his boys for the world. The three of them are rowdy and sometimes too curious for their own good, but at the end of the day, they’re sweet and well-meaning and Taeyong loves them all (equally) to death. And besides, Taeyong can always count on Jaehyun to help him whip the boys into shape, even if Jaehyun hasn’t quite transcended to Great Dad levels yet.

Okay, maybe Jaehyun _is_ a Great Dad after all, but Taeyong will take any edge over him he can get so for now, Jaehyun is merely a Proficient Dad. Yeah, that sounds about right.

“So who’s gonna tell them that the real reason we didn’t change their names is because we were too lazy to do additional paperwork?” Jaehyun comments later that evening when the two of them are washing the dishes and the boys are upstairs doing their homework.

Taeyong pokes him in the side. “Hush, you,” he scolds, then silences Jaehyun’s laughter with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> And then Jisung somehow finds out the truth anyway dun dun DUN


End file.
